January 16th, 2018 - I GOT MY BRACES!

I'm awful!
I am completely pitiful at keeping up with these blog posts!
Ah...
I don't know the next date exactly I will be posting again, but I will still be posting as I go through the rest of my appointments no matter how small or insignificant.

I finally got my braces!
I'm so happy, but I'm in so much pain!

In my opinion (because of all of the other things I have gone through), I feel I have a very high pain tolerance...

In the beginning, for the first 10 days, the pain was extremely irritating. It was not unbearable, though. From the brackets rubbing against the inside of my cheek, I developed sores that were almost like holes in my mouth.

The reason this happened was because I hadn't been aware the wax the dentist gave me would work as a barrier to keep from my braces causing sores, cuts, etc. Slowly but surely, I weened myself off of the wax so that my mouth could adjust and create grooves for the braces.

It's been almost a month, and I only have to occasionally use the wax, as my teeth shift, on the wire as it grows longer.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so supportive and for keeping me in their thoughts. January 16th the one year anniversary since all of this has started. I never thought I'd be able to smile confidently

I'm currently a senior now in High school with only 4 months remaining. I'm in the middle of completing my Senior Project, as well as figuring out what I will do after high school.

I'll be attending a community college to do a 2-year transfer (so I can stay for the rest of my appointments) to East Carolina University to study music.

Update on Life! 10/19/17

Hey guys,

Purple highlighted text is about my mouth surgeries, the rest is about, well... life! :)

Life has been eventful.

I've been distracting myself as much as possible, due to not hearing any news about my mouth. Today, I'm due for my second teeth cleaning after school... Last time I was there (6 months ago), I was supposed to be scheduled for my last major procedure.

My last major procedure will be getting fillings on the remaining teeth in my mouth, and receiving braces while under gas.

Again, I'm very sorry I haven't been posting, life has been taking many unexpected twists and turns.


On a more personal note:

 Both of my parents' cars have made their way to the junk yard. My father has been having to come up with an additional $240.00 a week in order for our family to have transportation (which is very difficult when it comes to only one person, supporting a family of five, who gets paid (basically) on commission). I recently went into a spiraling depression because of my significant other of about three years cheating on me, and etc. I know it was just high school love and I'll get over it, it just sucks for the time being. :)

Life has just been difficult, but I know it'll turn around! I just got to stay positive! I'll update tomorrow, or ASAP when I find out more information on my surgeries! 

Thank you again for the support.. I truly appreciate it :')

Sam

Update on Life! 4/13/17

I'm finally 17! I thought I'd be more excited, but I was pretty mellow. :)
I figured I'd just post about how things have been since my last post had such a wide gap between the surgery and recovery.. I'm really sorry about that by the way.. I was depressed, and well, you get it.
ANYWAYS, I'm trying to stay optimistic! So here's a friendly update on how life's been for me! :D

I am back in school. I know you're probably hoping everything's going well, but honestly, It's.. not and I wish I wasn't in school.

Rumors claim I made up my disorder for attention, I made up the surgery, etc. My school counselor told me to tell her if I was having problems, but half of the problems i'm having wouldn't be believable anyways or helpful (considering I don't know names, and I don't have any evidence) I really hate talking about it to people. When I got back I mostly talked about it to the people that asked like Close friends, Teachers, staff.. The people I had to. The people who I wanted to share with.

It just saddens me that people believe I actually would make something like this up. :/

MY SURGERY HAPPENED FOR REAL!

Hey guys,

I am so sorry I haven't posted in awhile (also sorry the post is long)...

It's been very stressful lately...

In January, I was suppose to have my mouth surgery. As most of you know from my last post, it was rescheduled due to a death in the family. My surgery was at the beginning of February. Originally, it was going to be sometime in the middle of February, but they had an opening and decided to fit me in. So I ended up getting the call 2 days in advance! I went into the waiting room the morning of the surgery and immediately panicked... There was NO CALMING ME DOWN. 

I waited for a good 30 - 40 minutes. In that time, I awkwardly took pictures of my mouth in a waiting room full of people since I forgot to take pictures at home (I got so many weird looks XD)! YAY! When they finally called me in, I was trembling and could barely stand. I walked gravely behind the nurse (I guarantee if I saw my face I would have laughed out loud) and went into the room where they would perform the extraction surgery. 

First, they put me on nitrous. I was very tired as it was, and with the nitrous, was fading quick. I was losing consciousness every 5 seconds.. waking up over and over again. 

IT WAS SCARY reason being since I was so afraid, my heart was beating so hard I was passing out, my body was spasming to the point (not trying to be offensive) I thought I was possibly having a seizure, and I was crying. I remember gaining consciousness and seeing my doctor in my face which made me jump. He kept telling me to take deep breaths in through my nose and exhale through my mouth (so i'd breathe in more of the gas) as he started to massage my temple.

When I calmed down (enough :D), he wrapped a tourniquet around my arm and put in the IV. The female nurse attached heart monitors to my chest (1 on my stomach, and 2 right above my breasts) and a heart monitor clip to my finger. Within five minutes, I was unconscious and officially in surgery.

When I woke up(at home), I remembered being in a wheelchair. It was very odd because unlike other times I was under anesthesia, I could remember everything, didn't try to make my mother crash the car, and could even talk (to an extent). I mumbled in the car and tried to pull out my gauze (of course (disorder)). When I got home I fell asleep.

When I woke up at home, I immediately was scared to look in the mirror. I had 14 teeth removed, so of course I knew I wasn't going to look my best. I was surprised to see I actually looked well. I was slightly pale, definitely swollen, and exhausted.

The nights were the worst. For 2 weeks, I only got 1 hour of sleep every 24 hours total (and that's if I was lucky). I usually lay on my right side and that was where the most damage was done since I had a root that had to be cut in half and removed around my jawbone.

For about 2 months I could only drink things. I would have been able to eat sooner (with the clip in teeth) if the place the doctors sent my molds to didn't screw them up (twice)!

My stitches started dissolving soon after the surgery. I had about 13-16 stitches total. It got to the point they were hanging out of my mouth even when it was closed. I started taking tweezers and taking them out. Occasionally i'd pull too hard and be in a world of pain.. I was also worried about accidentally removing stitches that were not ready, but I learned which ones to remove and which ones not to, pretty fast.

I currently am only able to eat about 4 foods which include soups, applesauce, mashed potatoes, or blended mac & cheese (considering it's the only food capable of being blended without altering the taste).

Honesty at 16 years old, I never thought I'd be removing my own stitches never mind going through jaw and teeth surgery (this serious).. 

Before, I honestly thought I wasn't strong enough to handle this (that terrified me). I especially felt weak the 2 weeks I was up all night crying or having panic attacks from the medication, but honestly, who wouldn't (at my age at least).

I also found out I'm too young for implants, so I'll be getting something similar to them (I don't know the name, but i'll figure it out).

I know I'm not completely done with reconstruction of my mouth, but I'm still glad the most difficult part is over. It's only going to get better from here.

For myy next appointment, i'll be getting anesthesia again for fillings in the teeth remaining.

January 27th, 2017 - The surgery WAS scheduled...

The surgery was scheduled!

~ I will make this brief. ~

So my surgery was scheduled for January 26th. When I found out, my heart was racing and to be honest, I felt a little scared.

My mom was scared for me, but also concerned considering a family member recently passed away.
She didn't know wether to reschedule my appointment or risk going through with the surgery on January 26th if she had to leave for New York on January 28th.

The way I worded that is a little confusing, but long story short my appointment will now be sometime towards the end of February. I don't want to make any assumptions yet about the exact date, but I will make sure to keep everyone updated.

My mom thinks I should post videos or images on these blog posts as well, but I'm a little nervous to do that right now... I will most likely post pictures and videos at the end, and make it one long post.

December 15th, 2016 - The Plan / Pity Party

I had a visit before this past 15th, but since I stated writing this late, I don't remember exactly every little detail.

The last appointment I had to do 3 things:

1. Molds

2. Jaw alignment

3. Pictures

December 15th,

Well, the consultation went well. A little scary at parts since I didn't understand exactly what they were saying, but I asked questions and now I know exactly what's going to happen.

So here goes...

After they, the 2 dentists, studied my molds and jaw alignment, they finally came up with a game plan.

One day after Christmas, the staff is going to come in on a Friday. Usually a Friday is a day they have off, so they can focus on me. They usually are having to go back and forth between several patients, but they want to take extra precautions since I am most likely going to be under IV from early in the morning to late at night.


Total I have about 10 - 16 teeth that are going to be removed in my upcoming appointment (including my 4 wisdom teeth that are beginning to crown). It was that, or jaw surgery due to my teeth being farther down than they're supposed to be. Which is also causing even some of my healthy teeth to be pulled to avoid jaw surgery. Due to my age (16), the jaw surgery is definitely frowned upon and can cause problems in early-late adulthood. And this is the last time in this blog I will say jaw surgery. :)

I will then take about 2 months to heal. During this time I will be home bound from school due to appearance and pain (I'll most likely be in a lot of pain!).

Then the following dentist appointment will be with the orthodontics. I will get braces put on the teeth I still have intact with my gum, and implants attached to the metal of the braces. That way my teeth shift appropriately to where they need to be.

True story of my dentist,
"A woman had broke off her partial implant. It took 2 weeks after sending it out for the partial to return repaired. When we went to insert the partial, it didn't fit! Any small shift, creates a big difference."

Anyways, the predicted amount of time I will have my braces on to shift my teeth is about 6 months.

I will then return for my final appointment to get the implants inserted into my gums this time, and that'll be it! :)

This is kind of me rambling now, but feel free to read.. lol

Not trying to throw a pity party, but I won't lie. I'm scared to death. I'm depressed. I'm excited. I'm overwhelmed.... Why?

My family is low class. We don't have much money. My father works his butt off 24/7, and every time it looks like we just might have caught grip on some ground, it gives in. And if we're not back to where we started, we're farther down.

But if you ask any of my family members how we are doing, we will say great and we'll mean it, because you can't give up.

I gave up. I gave up after our insurance was a joke. I cried myself to sleep every night from being in pain. Took doses of medication to the point I was buying bottles weekly. I gave up after seeing the expenses of the implants, the surgeries... I gave up so long ago, and within one day. Within one hour, four people changed my life. My mother, my father, and the two dentists.

I have and had so many dreams... When I was younger, I wanted to be a model. Then I wanted to be an actor, but my passion overall was music, and still is. I live and breathe music. Due to my father being a musician, as well as my mother, I grew up with every genre, and every culture.

I remember I used to look at pictures of celebrities, and... just be awestruck by the straight teeth, professionally done makeup, and long beautiful hair that would lay flawlessly on their shoulders.

Society frowns upon uniqueness, and individuality. Society creates an image, and if you are not an exact replica, then you're nothing.

This may sound silly to some, but now. Now that my teeth will be straight. I worry. Having little confidence is all I have ever known. My teeth is the only thing standing in the way of me posting videos and talking in public.. etc. Now that It's being changed, i'm afraid i'll be changed. Change is good, but it can also be bad...

I'm scared... but I'm ready for the pain to be gone and low self esteem to dissipate. I can't believe this is finally happening.

It truly is a dream come true.

My Story - Living with Pseudodysphagia

                         Living with Pseudodysphagia                                  

December 6th, 2016

My name is Samantha Stevenson, and I want to share my story with you all, and give insight on what it is like living with my disorder, Pseudodysphagia

Pseudodysphagia is the irrational fear of choking and/or swallowing.

AN: This may be a pretty long post, but I want to give you the full affect and full background before my next post. By the way, I'm not a "grade A" writer, so I may make mistakes! :) 

~ Some parts may be a little disturbing to some. If you do not want to read my story, just scroll down and read the print in bold. That will tell you why i'm starting this, straight forward.

Thanks!

2003

     I was 3 years old the day it started. I was sitting in the living room of my tiny childhood home in New York with my brother and sister watching Looney Tunes while we ate breakfast. I was eating Cocoa Puffs cereal for breakfast, when something on the screen made me laugh. I inhaled one of the pieces and panicked. I ran into the kitchen and tugged on my mother and fathers sleeve to get their attention. When they finally realized my frantic finger pointing indications to my throat, my father gave me the Heimlich maneuver. It felt like it took forever, and having a small breathing capacity definitely made it scarier.
     The tunnel vision I was getting didn't help calm me down. Finally, I coughed it out. I was freaking out and hysterical crying. My dad kept asking if I was okay, and eventually I nodded.

I certainly didn't feel okay. Even as the day went on, I felt odd. When lunchtime came around, my dad gave me a bowl of my favorite soup. Every time I would take a mouthful, I would inhale it. I threw a tantrum and begged them not to make me eat.  The next day, I still was incapable of eating food. My parents had thought I would just be scared for that day but now, my parents were sure there was a problem. Day after day I wouldn't eat. If I had to take medication, it had to be liquid. I could drink though. I would drink water, milk, and other things. Eventually we found PediaSure (I think that's the name), and I would drink that to substitute for meals. Eventually I started to eat again but not as much as my body needed.

2004 - 2005

    In 2004, I was a little better. I would still have off days, but it had gotten better. I was eating things like SpaghettiO's, my favorite soup, etc. Any noodle food, I was eating at that point.

2006 - 2010

Any years from 2006 to 2010 were hell for me (if i'm putting it bluntly). I was hitting the age where bullying was seen more often. I was hitting the age where every little thing you did was being watched or judged.

     I dreaded lunchtime. I cringe just from the thought. I used to sit with a group of friends at lunch time, but that quickly changed once they saw what a "freak" I was. Everyday at lunch I would eat Yoplait yogurt and drink PediaSure. Eventually something about that freaked me out too (maybe the texture, I honestly don't know). My mom had to come in every day and sit next to me helping me eat. Kids would make comments right in front of her, to me, and my mom would tell them to knock it off.                        

    They never would, and every time my mom looked at me, I knew she saw the hurt in my eyes. Eventually, I decided to start going to the school guidance counselor (on my own). I had this idea in my head that she would help me. Then I could go home and eat something right in front of my mom and she'd be so happy. So everyday at lunchtime, I would go to Mrs. W's office and eat with her. She'd ask questions like: "How are you feeling? What have you eaten today?" Basic questions really.

   Mrs. W had made a deal, that if I could get better by the end of the year, she would buy me whatever I wanted from McDonald's. The end of the year was approaching, and yes. I wanted McDonald's, but more than anything in the world, I wanted so desperately to be better.

That day I went home and made myself food. I tried to take mouthfuls over and over but I just... couldn't. My mother was crying on the couch after I ran into the bathroom with the bowl. She called my name several times, but gave up after I refused to come out.

The most detailed memory I have of my eating disorder, is this.

I placed the bowl on the counter of my sink and stared into the mirror. It's scary when you think about suicide regardless, but the fact I was so young and thinking about it almost every day made it more nerve wrecking. I hated myself. If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that. I looked in the mirror into my eyes with tears streaming down my face (This may sound silly, but having my disorder, I really thought I just might die). I looked in the mirror and said "please Sam, please. You can do this." I took a mouthful of my food, and stared into the mirror again.

I swallowed it whole, clenching my fists, with my eyes shut tight.

   I ran into the living room and yelled "Mom! I did it! I'm okay!" She looked at me exhausted and confused (most likely because she thought I was gonna dump my food). I put the bowl in her hands as she stood up. I reached my spoon into the bowl and took another mouthful; swallowing it whole.
My mother dropped the bowl and screamed of happiness. She hugged me tightly, and I explained how I had been going to the Counselor at school. She was so proud of me.

I was so proud of me.

Overall / Today

Mrs. W did buy me McDonald's. 

I also knocked over the large drink in the cafeteria and everyone laughed. Including me. 

At that point, I was happy. My depression, as well as my suicidal thoughts subsided.

Every now and then I'd have off days. I still do. There will be days when I feel I can't take anymore, but I think back and instead of frowning I smile. I still drink the shakes, except I think i'm on Ensure now. I still have problems in High School with the comments and rumors, but I try not to listen because only I truly know how far I've come. They'll never understand what i've gone through.

Sometimes people ask me, if I could go back, would I take it all away...

Well, the answers no.

Yes. This was/is an absolute living hell, but I learned so much. It has shaped me as a person. I've met extraordinary people. I've formed relationships with people I never ever thought I would. I am happy I went through hell, because if I made it this far, I can conquer anything. Anything, in my eyes, is possible. I just have to set my mind to it.

Sorry the post was so long, but I really did want to give you all as much insight as I could.

The reason i'm starting this blog, is because of this: 

I have not lived without the consequences of my disorder. Due to not getting the proper vitamins, and eating hard things in order to make my teeth stronger, my teeth are no good anymore.

I'm going to be going through several surgeries/operations to take (most or all of) my teeth out and either get implants or dentures (I'll be finding out December 15th) but i'm very excited (in the happy, and terrified way)! It's going to be difficult since I hate the feeling of things slipping down my throat, but it has to be done!

Maybe this will help other people who have problems similar to mine or just hate the dentist!