December 15th, 2016 - The Plan / Pity Party

I had a visit before this past 15th, but since I stated writing this late, I don't remember exactly every little detail.

The last appointment I had to do 3 things:

1. Molds

2. Jaw alignment

3. Pictures

December 15th,

Well, the consultation went well. A little scary at parts since I didn't understand exactly what they were saying, but I asked questions and now I know exactly what's going to happen.

So here goes...

After they, the 2 dentists, studied my molds and jaw alignment, they finally came up with a game plan.

One day after Christmas, the staff is going to come in on a Friday. Usually a Friday is a day they have off, so they can focus on me. They usually are having to go back and forth between several patients, but they want to take extra precautions since I am most likely going to be under IV from early in the morning to late at night.


Total I have about 10 - 16 teeth that are going to be removed in my upcoming appointment (including my 4 wisdom teeth that are beginning to crown). It was that, or jaw surgery due to my teeth being farther down than they're supposed to be. Which is also causing even some of my healthy teeth to be pulled to avoid jaw surgery. Due to my age (16), the jaw surgery is definitely frowned upon and can cause problems in early-late adulthood. And this is the last time in this blog I will say jaw surgery. :)

I will then take about 2 months to heal. During this time I will be home bound from school due to appearance and pain (I'll most likely be in a lot of pain!).

Then the following dentist appointment will be with the orthodontics. I will get braces put on the teeth I still have intact with my gum, and implants attached to the metal of the braces. That way my teeth shift appropriately to where they need to be.

True story of my dentist,
"A woman had broke off her partial implant. It took 2 weeks after sending it out for the partial to return repaired. When we went to insert the partial, it didn't fit! Any small shift, creates a big difference."

Anyways, the predicted amount of time I will have my braces on to shift my teeth is about 6 months.

I will then return for my final appointment to get the implants inserted into my gums this time, and that'll be it! :)

This is kind of me rambling now, but feel free to read.. lol

Not trying to throw a pity party, but I won't lie. I'm scared to death. I'm depressed. I'm excited. I'm overwhelmed.... Why?

My family is low class. We don't have much money. My father works his butt off 24/7, and every time it looks like we just might have caught grip on some ground, it gives in. And if we're not back to where we started, we're farther down.

But if you ask any of my family members how we are doing, we will say great and we'll mean it, because you can't give up.

I gave up. I gave up after our insurance was a joke. I cried myself to sleep every night from being in pain. Took doses of medication to the point I was buying bottles weekly. I gave up after seeing the expenses of the implants, the surgeries... I gave up so long ago, and within one day. Within one hour, four people changed my life. My mother, my father, and the two dentists.

I have and had so many dreams... When I was younger, I wanted to be a model. Then I wanted to be an actor, but my passion overall was music, and still is. I live and breathe music. Due to my father being a musician, as well as my mother, I grew up with every genre, and every culture.

I remember I used to look at pictures of celebrities, and... just be awestruck by the straight teeth, professionally done makeup, and long beautiful hair that would lay flawlessly on their shoulders.

Society frowns upon uniqueness, and individuality. Society creates an image, and if you are not an exact replica, then you're nothing.

This may sound silly to some, but now. Now that my teeth will be straight. I worry. Having little confidence is all I have ever known. My teeth is the only thing standing in the way of me posting videos and talking in public.. etc. Now that It's being changed, i'm afraid i'll be changed. Change is good, but it can also be bad...

I'm scared... but I'm ready for the pain to be gone and low self esteem to dissipate. I can't believe this is finally happening.

It truly is a dream come true.

My Story - Living with Pseudodysphagia

                         Living with Pseudodysphagia                                  

December 6th, 2016

My name is Samantha Stevenson, and I want to share my story with you all, and give insight on what it is like living with my disorder, Pseudodysphagia

Pseudodysphagia is the irrational fear of choking and/or swallowing.

AN: This may be a pretty long post, but I want to give you the full affect and full background before my next post. By the way, I'm not a "grade A" writer, so I may make mistakes! :) 

~ Some parts may be a little disturbing to some. If you do not want to read my story, just scroll down and read the print in bold. That will tell you why i'm starting this, straight forward.

Thanks!

2003

     I was 3 years old the day it started. I was sitting in the living room of my tiny childhood home in New York with my brother and sister watching Looney Tunes while we ate breakfast. I was eating Cocoa Puffs cereal for breakfast, when something on the screen made me laugh. I inhaled one of the pieces and panicked. I ran into the kitchen and tugged on my mother and fathers sleeve to get their attention. When they finally realized my frantic finger pointing indications to my throat, my father gave me the Heimlich maneuver. It felt like it took forever, and having a small breathing capacity definitely made it scarier.
     The tunnel vision I was getting didn't help calm me down. Finally, I coughed it out. I was freaking out and hysterical crying. My dad kept asking if I was okay, and eventually I nodded.

I certainly didn't feel okay. Even as the day went on, I felt odd. When lunchtime came around, my dad gave me a bowl of my favorite soup. Every time I would take a mouthful, I would inhale it. I threw a tantrum and begged them not to make me eat.  The next day, I still was incapable of eating food. My parents had thought I would just be scared for that day but now, my parents were sure there was a problem. Day after day I wouldn't eat. If I had to take medication, it had to be liquid. I could drink though. I would drink water, milk, and other things. Eventually we found PediaSure (I think that's the name), and I would drink that to substitute for meals. Eventually I started to eat again but not as much as my body needed.

2004 - 2005

    In 2004, I was a little better. I would still have off days, but it had gotten better. I was eating things like SpaghettiO's, my favorite soup, etc. Any noodle food, I was eating at that point.

2006 - 2010

Any years from 2006 to 2010 were hell for me (if i'm putting it bluntly). I was hitting the age where bullying was seen more often. I was hitting the age where every little thing you did was being watched or judged.

     I dreaded lunchtime. I cringe just from the thought. I used to sit with a group of friends at lunch time, but that quickly changed once they saw what a "freak" I was. Everyday at lunch I would eat Yoplait yogurt and drink PediaSure. Eventually something about that freaked me out too (maybe the texture, I honestly don't know). My mom had to come in every day and sit next to me helping me eat. Kids would make comments right in front of her, to me, and my mom would tell them to knock it off.                        

    They never would, and every time my mom looked at me, I knew she saw the hurt in my eyes. Eventually, I decided to start going to the school guidance counselor (on my own). I had this idea in my head that she would help me. Then I could go home and eat something right in front of my mom and she'd be so happy. So everyday at lunchtime, I would go to Mrs. W's office and eat with her. She'd ask questions like: "How are you feeling? What have you eaten today?" Basic questions really.

   Mrs. W had made a deal, that if I could get better by the end of the year, she would buy me whatever I wanted from McDonald's. The end of the year was approaching, and yes. I wanted McDonald's, but more than anything in the world, I wanted so desperately to be better.

That day I went home and made myself food. I tried to take mouthfuls over and over but I just... couldn't. My mother was crying on the couch after I ran into the bathroom with the bowl. She called my name several times, but gave up after I refused to come out.

The most detailed memory I have of my eating disorder, is this.

I placed the bowl on the counter of my sink and stared into the mirror. It's scary when you think about suicide regardless, but the fact I was so young and thinking about it almost every day made it more nerve wrecking. I hated myself. If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that. I looked in the mirror into my eyes with tears streaming down my face (This may sound silly, but having my disorder, I really thought I just might die). I looked in the mirror and said "please Sam, please. You can do this." I took a mouthful of my food, and stared into the mirror again.

I swallowed it whole, clenching my fists, with my eyes shut tight.

   I ran into the living room and yelled "Mom! I did it! I'm okay!" She looked at me exhausted and confused (most likely because she thought I was gonna dump my food). I put the bowl in her hands as she stood up. I reached my spoon into the bowl and took another mouthful; swallowing it whole.
My mother dropped the bowl and screamed of happiness. She hugged me tightly, and I explained how I had been going to the Counselor at school. She was so proud of me.

I was so proud of me.

Overall / Today

Mrs. W did buy me McDonald's. 

I also knocked over the large drink in the cafeteria and everyone laughed. Including me. 

At that point, I was happy. My depression, as well as my suicidal thoughts subsided.

Every now and then I'd have off days. I still do. There will be days when I feel I can't take anymore, but I think back and instead of frowning I smile. I still drink the shakes, except I think i'm on Ensure now. I still have problems in High School with the comments and rumors, but I try not to listen because only I truly know how far I've come. They'll never understand what i've gone through.

Sometimes people ask me, if I could go back, would I take it all away...

Well, the answers no.

Yes. This was/is an absolute living hell, but I learned so much. It has shaped me as a person. I've met extraordinary people. I've formed relationships with people I never ever thought I would. I am happy I went through hell, because if I made it this far, I can conquer anything. Anything, in my eyes, is possible. I just have to set my mind to it.

Sorry the post was so long, but I really did want to give you all as much insight as I could.

The reason i'm starting this blog, is because of this: 

I have not lived without the consequences of my disorder. Due to not getting the proper vitamins, and eating hard things in order to make my teeth stronger, my teeth are no good anymore.

I'm going to be going through several surgeries/operations to take (most or all of) my teeth out and either get implants or dentures (I'll be finding out December 15th) but i'm very excited (in the happy, and terrified way)! It's going to be difficult since I hate the feeling of things slipping down my throat, but it has to be done!

Maybe this will help other people who have problems similar to mine or just hate the dentist!